Sunday, February 1, 2009

Plaid-Lad's First Screamer


This night had already gotten off to a bad start. The guy I took over for reeked like he hadn't showered in a week, and you could easily smell him ten feet away. I make no exaggeration here - that was one fragrant fucker.

I came to work in a bad mood. A deep hatrid of all that draws breath lingered and loomed over my night. I had no explanation for it. Just woke up pissed off with life.

The Cap'n was hanging around tonight. He had a pretty decent plan and bought $20 worth of $1 scratch-it tickets. He kept anything he won over $10 and any winnings smaller than that went towards new tickets. He came out ahead by about $15 if I remember right.

Recently a law was passed that makes it illegal to smoke within 10 feet of the front doors of any public establishment. You can imagine my surprise as a woman somewhere in her mid 40s, (who I soon discovered was well beyond drunk), walked INTO the store still smoking her cigarette.

I stormed around the counter yelling "Are you smoking in my store? YOU ARE! OUT! OUT OUT OUT! NOW! GET OUT!"

She indignantly made some half hearted apologies and started heading towards the door with a 4-pack of red bull in her hands, which I grabbed from her before she could reach the door, still taking drags off her damn coffin nail as I glared.

Then she came back in.

"You are being SO RUDE to me right now. I can't believe this. Do you even WORK here!?" she seethed.

"Actually yes, I do."

"GOOD. Then SERVE ME." she slurred, throwing her arms out almost as if she had just been martyred on a cross by my awful behavior. "I can't believe what an ASS HOLE you are. You need to be NICE to me."

"Nice ain't my thing, lady." a blatant lie, but fuck you.

I... I hate to admit it, but I can't really remember much more of the conversation. All I remember is that what followed was a five minute screaming match as we exchanged money and goods.

THEN she tried to short me on pay. THREE TIMES.

"WHOA WHOA WHOA hold on there, sparky, come back here. You gave me $12.12. Your total is $12.87." I said.

"WHAT. BULL SHIT! LOOK HERE ASS HOLE." she slurred further, returning to the counter as I counted out the dollars, pointing out there were only 12 dollars and 12 cents. "Oh fuck you, I over paid you. Learn to count you retard."

"No. I'm sorry. You're wrong. Look, this is your total. $12.87. This is what you gave me. $12.12. You owe me 60 cents."

"What is wrong with you? How fucking stupid are you? I'm leaving. I've already over paid. I'm sick of this shit."

"CONGRATULATIONS YOU OVER PAID ME BY NEGATIVE SIXTY CENTS. Pay up or hand over the stuff you're trying to buy!" I yelled. She threw, (literally threw), two quarters and a dime at the counter, and stormed back out the front door.

But before she exited, she stopped, swivvled drunkenly, (almost falling over), pointed at me and shouted "YOU KNOW WHAT!? YOU'RE... FffFFffffFFFfffFFIRED!!"

I couldn't help it. I yelled back.

"I'm so glad you have the authority to fire me, YOU DUMB CUNT!"

I turned around and a customer was right there.

I stared at him in shock - I thought other than the Cap'n there wasn't anyone there. I opened my mouth to appologize to him but before I could he started laughing and gave me a thumbs up.

Then I got lectured by the Cap'n. :(

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