Saturday, February 7, 2009

Cocaine - It's one hell of a drug.


Eventually, all human beings reach the point where they must empty their bladder. Fortunately, I'm equipped with a sign, (which I had to make myself), which reads "Back in 5 minutes - sorry for the wait!".

Unfortunately, not everyone reads this sign.

A fine gentleman had offered to buy me some food from a fantastic little restaurant just down the way and wouldn't let me refuse, and had just returned while I was in the restroom which is actually exactly what I was afraid of when I locked the door. However, the real problem was that a man had just gotten out of a cab and tried to open the door as I was walking up to it. When he found it locked, he threw his arms up in frustration.

It turns out he was giving the gentleman who brought me food a little bit of a hard time, and was yelling excitedly. As I unlocked the door and let him in, immediately apologizing for the wait I was greeted with "what the FUCK am I lucky for?" as he apparently verbally assaulted my new friend. The fine gentleman just let it roll off his back and mostly ignored it, though he took care to stay several feet away from the man at all times.

Once I had made it behind the counter, the coked up bastard stood at the counter and yelled "Who the FUCK is this guy!?" motioning towards the other man.

"That's another customer." I replied, eyebrow raised. I wasn't about to let him badmouth someone nice enough to buy me such fine food.


I laughed a little and asked "What kind do you want, man?"


"Yeah man, of what variety?" I figured I could have a little fun with wordplay with this guy. Why not, right?

"Camel menthol lights! OH. OH SHIT. HOLD ON. God FUCKING damnit just a minute I'll be right back!" he blurted, running back to the cab and leaving two dollars on the counter. You would be amazed how many people leave money on the counter unattended. I wonder if people do this everywhere?

I leaned across the counter as my new friend approached with a coke, (of the beverage variety), and mentioned that if the coke-head gives him any shit, I'm kicking the fucker out. He told me it's alright as he was about to head out anyway. Unfortunately I'm afraid that guy ran him out of the shop. The fine gentleman is still working on his English, and it appears he learned most of it from surfers by his dialect, so it's great fun teaching him more words that we use in today's vernacular... like "rack" to refer to breasts. Aw yeah.

As he headed out, the coke-head returned with his debit card and headed to the ATM. I warned him that it only worked about half the time, which apparently surprised him. At this point I started to wonder if he was drunk as well, because he started to swat at the machine and shout excitedly as though it were a slot machine.


I assure you, it was extremely difficult to keep my laughter down to a chuckle at this point.

"YEAH ALRIGHT! SMOKES! GIMMIE SMOKES! MARLBORO LIGHT MENTHOLS!" he belted! I guess he changed his mind on what brand he wanted. "MARLBORO-O-O-OS!!!"

As I sold him his cigarettes, he whooped and hollered, then requested matches.

"Aw I'm sorry man, here's where I let you down. I'm all out of matches!"

"Aw. Aw you're lettin' me down? Aw man. OH WELL! YEAH!" and with that he left.

A cab driver came in as the coke-head left and got into his respective cab. I was laughing like a jackel at this point.

"I saw the look on his cab driver's face. He knows he's got one hell of a ride ahead of him, poor guy." he said.

I laughed harder.

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